The Monster and The Cat

It's been a long time since I've given a monster update and we're long overdue for one. The monster of course continues to be a monster and since the introduction of Allie - the cat who I have learned will not respond to kitty or cat but will respond to her name- she has found new ways to be a monster.

Let me say that I like the cat, she can be surprisingly sweet and affection at times, but having a cat and dog living in the same house is a bad idea. At least with the monster. The monster does NOT like Allie getting any type of attention. She tries to eat Allie anytime I hold her and gets very snappy when Allie makes attempts to get people food. I've become a bit of a speed eater these days as both Allie and the monster hover over me anytime there is food. Allie is bold and is not afraid to stick her nose in my plate, which of course sets the monster into attack mode, FML. Additionally, the monster likes to eat Allie's cat food and has a very gross but I have found out very common like of kitty poo - gross.

Monster Scares

95% of the time nothing scares the monster. In fact, people with the capacity to crush the monster with the bare hands are more afraid of her than she is of them. Case in point: as a member of the highland hundred I was able to have several University of Memphis football players over to my house for dinner and the monster was not pleased. Football players are big guys mind you, and strong. These guys probably could have done serious damage to the monster if they wanted to, but does that scare the monster, no! In fact she gave them her defensive back off buddy bark and they got so nervous she had to be locked up until everyone went home.

Meanwhile, the sound of thunder terrifies the monster. As in quivering, panting, waking her Mommy up every hour in the middle of the night terrified. It makes no sense! So, being tired this morning I did a little Internet research on why the monster is so touch sometimes but a big ole baby other times. This is the most helpful article I found:

 http://dogsonly.org/StormFear.html

Basically, hugging the monster so I can sleep an hour at a time is telling the monster it’s ok to be afraid; FML. Apparently babies are the only little creatures that have to be ferberized.

Healthy Treats

Last night I discovered that fish oil pills are good for dogs. This information is quite useful but stumbled upon by a series of accidents.

N has been on a health kick lately and decided to get himself some fish oil pills without realizing I already have a huge jar of them. He takes 3 and heads off to the gym leaving them on the desk in the same room as the monster. BIG MISTAKE.  The monster was left unintended for about ½ an hour before I came home so I must presume she immediately sprang into action, knocking the container to the ground and ripping off the lid. The monster then helped herself to as many capsules and she could get out of the jar.

Discovering this I decided to take a capsule count and discovered 56 remaining capsules in a jar of 90. Taking the three N took into account this leaves 31 to have been consumed by the monster. Yikes! The good news is that it’s practically impossible to overdose on fish oil and at worst we’re looking at a doggie with an upset tummy.

Deciding there was nothing to be done and the monster appearing to be in good spirits we snuggled on the couch together to watch a movie. At one point the monster retreated upstairs and returned to her pillow , a few minutes later and I noticed her chewing on something . . . another fish oil pill ! It turns out that the monster ate 16 fish oil pills and had another 15 stashed away buried in some laundry. This discovery along with the incredibly excited reaction the monster gave when the bottle was picked up leads me to believe that the monster considers fish oil pills to be a treat. So now mommy has taken possession of the stash and shall provide the monster with one pill a day per the actual recommended dosage. This is going to be a pretty affordable treat option so I’m pretty stoked about that.

Next time you see the monster be sure to notice how shiny her coat is soon to be.

Monster Food

After much observation of the monster and placing her in scenarios where multiple people food options are available I have come up with a list of the monster’s food preferences in ranking order. Should you find yourself in our home partaking in a meal you should keep this list in mind of ways to gain the monster’s favor.

1.       Meat – of any kind really

2.       Chocolate and people treats – very bad, the monster usually eats this when she steals it. Contrary to popular belief monsters do not die from chocolate, it does however make them incredibly hyper and have an upset tummy.

3.       Pizza

4.       Milk and products made from milk

5.       Eggs – especially a raw one, which just so happens to be good for a shiny coat

6.       Cheese

7.       Green Vegetables – the monster likes green beans and broccoli, she does not like carrots

8.       Rice, Pasta and potatoes

9.       Bread and rolls

10.   Fruit – the monster will eat apples (see picture) and the occasional melon but never grapes or bananas

11.   Dog treats

12.   Dog food

Note how food for dogs ranks at the bottom of the monster’s list. Typically she will only eat dog food when its bedtime and it’s very apparent that there will be no people food. I suspect this is because the monster does not like to consider herself a dog. An exception to this is some kind of chewy dog food that comes in individual wrappers. My dad fed it to the monster when she stayed with him and she loves the stuff . . . well, as much as the monster is going to love dog food.

The five types of monster tail wags

The monster is a waggy little dog. Unless she is sleeping, her tail is wagging. Over time I have learned that the monster has five distinct tail wags.

1.       The “I’m happy that I’m a monster” wag

This is your generic happy dog tail wag. When the monster is going for a walk, when she is playing with her toys, when she is riding in the car, the monster likes to let me know what a happy little dog she is.

2.       The “That’s my name” wag

The monster knows she is a monster. I know this because she responds when I call her a monster – it’s usually a slight little wag of the tail acknowledgement. But When I say “Haley” she really wags her tail. In general, the monster likes being talked to – even if I’m ranting about her latest bad activity and what a monster she is. But most of all, the monster loves to be acknowledged and she is very pleased when I say her name to her. So amused that sometimes we can spend a good ½ and hour with me just telling her “you’re so Haley” or asking “who’s the Haley-est dog I know?”.

3.       The “Yummy, yummy, gimme” wag

The monster, like most dogs, is crazy about people food. She will dig through trash, find a leftover snack stuffed in my purse and grab things off the countertop. I’m at the point where I’ve given up and voluntarily feed the monster a little bit of people food. This is where I’ve done bad here because other people who might come over don’t like monsters begging for food. But for the record, the monster never whines, barks or jump up for food. She just sits there looking all sweet and monster like wagging her little tail – and how can I resist- she’s just so freaking cute! It’s too the point where the monster knows the routine: I sit to eat, she sits in front of me wagging her tail and patiently waiting for her turn; whatever is left on my plate when I am full gets given to her – on the plate. I’m noticed a great little perk beyond making the monster happy is not pre-rinsing dishes (I do the sani wash is the dishwasher EVERY time so don’t get a grossed out).

4.       The “I’m so cute, you can’t be mad at me” wag

The monster is called the monster for a reason, every now and then the monster does bad dog things. Things like ripping up feather pillows, ruining Douney and Burke purses, and having “accidents” in the house when I am home and she knows how to indicate she wants to go out. I am sure overtime each of the monster’s bad dog actions will get their own blog post – but for now, know that ruined items aren’t even shocking anymore.  Whenever I find one of her little bad Haley moments I usually wind up sighing and reminding her that she is a monster, and she wags her tail at me and looks up, then hangs he head. Sometimes she will go into the corner, tail still wagging. And of course, it works every time because she does in fact look so darn cute I just can’t be mad.

5.       The “This is my house I will protect it” wag

The monster does not like people coming near our home; which is unfortunate because we live in a townhouse. Heaven forbid the neighbors enter or exit their home through their own front dorr, the monster just won’t have it. And of course, the mailman is just delivering mail as a guise, he really wants to break in. You would think after two years the monster would have learned to recognize the ordinary activity outside our home; you would be wrong. Anytime there is any noise outside the monster will run to the dog, stand up and scratch at it, growl and bark and widly wag her tail. There is no stopping the monster at this, not even the prospects of treats is enough to entice her. At best I can hold her in which she will squirm the entire time, tail wagging and growling. I usually just give up and choose to ignore the behavior as the monster will eventually calm herself down and go back to sleep / whatever she was doing.

Until the monster I was under the general opinion that dogs wag their tails when they were happy; and maybe dogs do but Haley is different . . . and that’s why she’s my monster.

Monster Walking

The monster loves to go on walks. But before she can on a walk she has to get her "clothes" on. Most of the time the monster runs around the house naked - as in no collar - because I find the jingle sound annoying when I am trying to sleep and the monster does not want to sleep. A collar is not enough for a monster walk, so her clothes are a blue harness. The monster has worn her clothes to go on a walk for a long time and she is well aware of the fact that she isn't going anywhere until her clothes are on, yet the monster freaks out every time her clothes are picked up to the point where it is impossible to get it on her. First, she jumps up and down like a maniac, then, she was start pawing at the person holding her clothes- which is when it can usually be slipped over her head. Once the clothes are around the monster's neck she really gets excited and makes a run for the door and scratches at the door and wall next to the door, sometimes this makes the clothes fall off and I have to start from the beginning. To fasten the clothes around the monster's wait I usually have to stand over her, one leg on each side and she will flick her tail in a furious motion - which can kinda hurt. Clothes on and leash fastened the monster is ready for her walk.

On the walk the monster is not very good at pacing herself and like to be very tuggy on the leash for the start. Heaven forbid a cat, squirrel or bird be near by because the monster will FREAK OUT! It's kind of funny actually because I will just stand in place, firmly grasping the leash and the monsters legs will go in a running motion and she will go nowhere. I am however convince that one of these days my arm will be dislocated from the monster tugging on the leash. Provided there are no other critters in sight, the monster will eventually fall into a good pace and the walk become somewhat enjoyable. The monster takes the walk very seriously and is very careful to leave her mark every few hundred feet so other dogs my know that she lives there. Heaven forbid it have rained since the last walk because the monster will save up every last drop she has inside of her to re-mark ALL of her favorite spots instead of the usual 3 she will pick on each walk. Sometimes late at night, if no one is out, I will drop the monster's leash during the walk so she can have a little freedom. It is without fail that no matter how tuggy she was being while I held the leash the monster will keep pace with me when the leash is dragging behind her. It make no sense but the monster is not one for logic.

When the weather is cool and the sun not too intense the monster can go on very long walks - up to 4 miles at once, she could probably go further but I have yet to try it. During the summer the monster gets more like 1.5 miles. She gets overheated very easily and can only be walked at night during the summer because her black fur absorbs the sun. When the monster stops tugging on the leash completely it's usually time to go inside. Once inside the monster doesn't cause a fuss when having the clothes taken off. Naked again, she'll get herself some water and maybe relax on her pillow for a few minutes. Then, next thing I know, she bouncing around, ready to play or wanting another walk. In two years of having the monster I have yet to see her actually tired to the point where she would sit when given the chance to play - and that's why she's my monster.

Bath Time

The monster does not like getting a bath. I’ve heard that Petsmart has a big dog washing tub leashes can be clipped to and people are able to use for a small fee, but the monster acts like such a fool during bath time I too embarrassed to go through the whole ordeal in public. Because she spends the majority of her time indoors and is strongly discouraged from making contact with dirt outdoors, the monster only needs a bath once a month. Over the past two years, I’ve perfected the art of getting the monster in and out of the bath in as quickly as possible in a semi-calm manner - or so I thought.

After knocking over a sweet tea onto herself the monster was sticky and needed her bath. Step one is to trick her into the bathroom. Since she’s my little shadow she’ll usually follow me in anyway so I just have to pretend to be starting the makeup routine or brush my hair and in she’ll come, then I swoop behind her to lock us in. At this point the monster knows she tricked and she’ll curl up in the corner. After letting the water get warm the monster will have to be picked up and placed in the tub - which she will try to get out of several times. In the past I used to pour water over the monster. Now, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to get soaked anyway so now I just hop in and hold her in the shower. On the shower goes and the monster gets all wet. Naturally, she shakes the water off and I’m covered in wet sticky fur. Shampoo oneand the monster gets a full body rub down and her paws rubbed clean. Then the shower goes on again and that’s where the trouble started. I picked the monster up to get her under the shower and rinsed off as quickly as possible ans she FREAKED out. I now have claw marks on my shoulder and neck, a bruise on my knee and a sore spot under my arm from falling down and bringing the shower curtain with us.

A few minutes later with the curtain back up and the monster rinsed she proceeded to shake off making water splatter marks on all the walls and mirror and dramatically roll around on the bathroom floor mat for 10 minutes. Then five minutes later she came thundering downstairs and plopped o her pillow wagging her tail at me like nothing happened . . . And that’s why she’s my monster.